“Leave our Melonskova alone, we’ll pick her up with a spoon in a little while”
“Hands off Giorgia Meloni”. Luciana Littizzetto, from Che tempo che fa, sends her ‘little letter’ to Vovan and Lexus, the Russian comedians who deceived Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni with a fake phone call. In the conversation the prime minister, who thought she was speaking with a leader of the African Union, expressed considerations on the Ukraine-Russia war and on the issue of migrants. “Dear Vovan and Lexus, Ric and Gian of the Siberian tundra, Piosky and Amedeosky of the boundless steppe at 40 below zero. And also dear friends of the Russian secret services and to all Putin’s children connected at the moment. Priviet to all”, begins Littizzetto who, alongside Fabio Fazio, alludes to the involvement of the services in the affair.
“He who speaks to you is your colleague Lucianova, mini matryoshka, lover of Russian salad and fellow citizen of Ignazio La Russa. There are many cultural connections between our country and yours: 19th century art, classical theatre, the budgets of the Northern League. So let’s talk from Toravich to Tovarich. I know it’s difficult to make people laugh in this moment that I would euphemistically define as merdosky: There is war, there are viruses, the climate crisis, floods, earthquakes, inflation and every bad luck that comes down from the sky, but leave Giorgia alone“, adds the comedian.
“Who by the way is called Giorgia with an ‘I’, not ‘Georgia’ as you called her. Our Giorgia is not a Caucasian state. She is a woman, a mother, a Christian, and also with a staff not of absolute geniuses. Leave our Melonskova alone, we’ll pick her up with a spoon in a little while. Stop, do it in the name of Putin’s Latvian who has united our two peoples for a long time. Now’s not the time. Now I’m not going to explain to you but it’s not. Er Meloni is now under a trainlike Anna Karenina, which you should know well”, continues Littizzetto.
Littizzetto returns to the end of the relationship between the prime minister and the journalist Andrea Giambrun: “She spent ten years of her life with a man with a prominent quiff, and a few days ago it ended. It happens. As you say in Russia, ‘All happy families are alike, but every family has a Giambruno who touches his package in his own way’. I understand that being a comedian in Russia must be tough, for us it’s easier because in any case we have Salvini who always spouts some nonsense.”
“Instead, nothing is enough for you that Vladimir casually makes you fly from the fourth floor like the Russian oligarchs, you end up sipping a polonium tea in an airport lounge, or you find yourself dancing the house in Siberia with Pussy Riot. But Pasgiausta, please. Leave us the minimum material we have left to joke about. Don’t come and rip the Premier out of our mouths. I’m telling you in English don’t touch my melons, and also in Russian: astarzia pacoe Melosnska. Prank Putin if you dare“, is the challenge that Littizzetto launches to his ‘colleagues’.
“Take him to the gulag on the phone, but first if I were you I would check that the windows of your house close properly. Or give me his number. I have a few things to say to him, like two thirds of humanity, I think. Dasvidania to you and your family. Lucianova”, says Littizzetto before the predictable postscript. “PS For Palazzo Chigi. Friends of intelligence, do you have intelligence? Use it. If they call you Ciccio cheese, Braccobaldo Bao, Kiss Me Licia, Tonio Cartonio and Lupo Lucio saying they are diplomats from Mozambique, tell them they have the wrong number”, he says he. “PPS Of course, you too Giorgis, if you tell the first person who calls you we’re all screwed up. He prevaricates. He talks about the weather, about how good bucatini is made in Rome, about Marcuzzi dancing at Boomerissima. Draw it out and in the meantime ask Ricci to find some off-air people who will disgrace them all”, she concludes, for real this time.